'Old Baby' [poster colour]. Painted by Fi.
'OLD BABY'
I am a young adult who still explores myself every single day and questions my life every single night. What is real? Am I real? I use those existential crisis thoughts as the concept of my self-portrait which is titled 'Old Baby' (2023). The conflict between immaturity and adulthood was what I tried to depict in the painting inspired by the Surrealism movement.
I found interest in the ideologies of Surrealism and chose it to interpret my unexplainable thoughts. Surrealism discovers the unconscious world and explores more than ordinary objective realism with the inner eyes. It allows me to give out ‘a flow of pure thought uninhibited by reason’ (Clancy 1949) and free myself from the logical barriers that I have been surrounded by. Inspired by Surrealism’s characteristics, I used symbolic dream-like images depicted realistically. As can be seen in the painting, the image of my body lying on the edge of a waterfall, with the absurdly huge head of a baby staring at the viewers. This whimsical contradiction symbolises a feeling of being stuck between maturity and innocence. Being a part of this crude world, witnessing how people lie, criticize and fight each other, I did not want to grow up. That wish cannot happen, as shown in the lying position seemed to have given up and the water has already pushed me to the brink of the waterfall, which symbolises the transitional phase to adulthood. This image also bears another meaning, which is the confusion about how I should behave. When I cry, they say I am overreacting and being childish. When I hold tears back, they say I am apathetic. Those complex emotions are reflected on the child's face, as tears come from her eyes but the calmness gives a mysterious contrast between visible and inner emotion.
Many smiley faces float on the water from the far horizon to the waterfall, representing good memories from the past and the hope that everything will be all right. The surrounding expanse of water is a symbol of time and my boundless spiritual realm. The sky and water are painted in various shades of blue and green, creating a calm yet enigmatic atmosphere, representing hope and optimism. I added motion to water and clouds to show the desire to go forward and find meaning in existence.
Ultimately, my self-portrait 'Old Baby' (2023), influenced by Surrealism, was an exploration of the meaning of life, leaving me both unsettled and strangely hopeful. At the end of the day, the pursuit of self-discovery, no matter how difficult, is still an exciting journey.
